Humour
The driving range field guide: nine golfers you'll find on the mats
The 19th Hole's affectionate guide to the regulars of every practice ground, from the driver loyalist to the golfer who arrives four minutes before their tee time, plus the odd rule they ought to know.
Saturday, 8.15am, and the practice ground is already busy. Some golfers are warming up. Some are rebuilding their swing from the grip upwards. One is filming the whole thing from two angles. The driving range is golf’s great watering hole, and like any habitat it has its regulars, each with their own feeding habits and calls.
1. The driver loyalist
Takes a large bucket, one club and a clear plan: hit every ball as far as it will go. The 7-iron last left the bag in April. The wedges have never seen a range ball. Every fourth drive is a beauty, and that is the one discussed over lunch. The other three are forgotten, which is a skill of its own.
2. The alignment-stick architect
Arrives with two sticks, a towel, a spare headcover and a set of plans. The sticks go down parallel, the towel goes behind the ball and the headcover becomes a gate for the club to swing through. By the time the build is finished, the coffee is cold and the golfer in the next bay has hit 60 balls. The structure is magnificent. The first shot leaves it at an angle nobody had drawn up.
3. The launch monitor analyst
Hits a shot, then studies a small screen for longer than the shot took to land. Talks about “carry” and “spin” the way other people talk about house prices. A 7-iron that flies straight at the flag is greeted with a frown because the spin number was 300rpm off. The data is excellent. The analyst would like a quiet word with whoever is responsible for the 2,700rpm.
4. The filmmaker
Phone on a tripod down the line, then face-on, then down the line again. Every swing is reviewed, paused, zoomed and occasionally sent to a group chat. The camera has now seen more of this swing than the club professional ever will. Somewhere in that phone’s camera roll sit 400 nearly identical videos and one of a dog.
5. The helpful neighbour
Notices that the golfer in the next bay is struggling and offers a thought, always about the grip or the ball position. The advice is kindly meant and often sound. It is almost never requested. Both then hit their next shot slightly worse, each knowing the other is watching. The neighbour is never seen taking a tip in return.
6. The speedrunner
A hundred balls, 11 minutes. No pre-shot routine, no target, no pause, just a steady rhythm of rake, hit, rake, hit. Leaves warm and pleased, having mainly practised hitting golf balls quickly. Next door, the architect is still placing the towel.
7. The wedge specialist
Spends an hour hitting 50-yard pitches at the nearest flag while nobody pays the slightest attention. Nothing about this golfer is dramatic. There is no tripod, no screen and no audience. On Sunday they will get up and down five times and win the medal by two, and everyone else on the range will wonder where that came from.
8. The greenside lingerer
Finishes the 9th, drops three balls beside the green and chips while the group behind waits in the fairway. This is partly allowed. Rule 5.5b of the Rules of Golf lets a player practise chipping or putting on or near the green of the hole they have just completed, though not from a bunker and not if it unreasonably delays play. The lingerer has memorised the first half of that sentence.
9. The last-minute arrival
Swings into the car park at 8.56 for a 9am tee time, hits six balls without taking off a jacket and rolls two putts on the way to the first tee. The Rules take timekeeping seriously: Rule 5.3a says a 9am start means 9:00:00, not any time up to 9:01. Arrive ready to play no more than five minutes late and the penalty is two strokes on the first hole in stroke play. Later than that and it is disqualification. The last-minute arrival knows this and treats it as a target.
Every golfer is at least two of these
The driver loyalist becomes the analyst after a new club arrives. The architect turns speedrunner when the light is going. Even the wedge specialist has a filming phase.
The Rules do allow one habit every species can share. Rule 5.5a says that hitting a stray ball back to the practice area as a courtesy is not a practice stroke. So if a range ball has rolled onto the course, knock it back. And whichever species you are, pick up your alignment sticks on the way out.
Sources
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