Golf excuses, ranked from almost believable to the wind changed direction twice

The card says 94. The score you would have shot, if not for a series of events entirely beyond your control, is lower, and it’s the only one anyone mentions at the bar.

We’ve heard every reason why, mostly from ourselves. So here, in the spirit of honesty that golf is famous for (right up until someone asks what you got on the 7th), are the game’s great excuses, ranked from almost believable to the ones that should come with a fine.

10. “The greens were really slow today”

Believability: 8/10. Entirely possible. Greens get cored, sanded, soaked and left alone. The problem is that the same golfer said “the greens were lightning” last Saturday, and the three-putt count was identical. The greens change. The stroke, suspiciously, does not.

9. “I haven’t played in three weeks”

Believability: 7/10. Often true, and a fair point. It loses marks when the person saying it hit balls on Tuesday, putted on the carpet on Wednesday and watched four hours of swing videos on Thursday. Call that what it is: a training camp.

8. “New driver, still dialling it in”

Believability: 6/10. A new club can take a few rounds to trust. But “dialling in” has now lasted two seasons, two shaft changes and one loft sleeve that has been turned so often it has worn smooth. At some point the driver is dialled in and the swing is the thing on the phone.

7. “I was playing with a slow group”

Believability: 6/10. Waiting on every shot can wreck a rhythm, and we have sympathy. Less so when the slow group ahead was, on closer inspection, your own four-ball, and the hold-up was you looking for a ball in a hedge you’ve found balls in since 2011.

6. “The pin positions were brutal”

Believability: 5/10. Some weeks the greenkeeper clearly had a point to prove. But a tucked flag only punishes the golfer who goes at it. The ones who aimed for the middle of the green are sitting at the next table looking very relaxed about the whole thing.

5. “I got a terrible bounce on 4 and it threw my whole round”

Believability: 4/10. One bad bounce, fully accepted. That it caused a chain reaction lasting fourteen holes is harder to sell. By this logic, a single good bounce should lead to a course record, and we have yet to see anyone claim that.

4. “Someone’s phone went off in my backswing”

Believability: 4/10. A real and serious crime against golf, and whoever did it should buy the round. However, it happened once, on the 12th, and the other 93 shots are still on the card.

3. “My back’s a bit stiff”

Believability: 3/10. A useful excuse because it can be announced on the first tee and applies to everything that follows. Doctors will tell you a stiff back is no joke. Golfers will tell you it’s remarkable how quickly it recovers when the putts start dropping on the back nine.

2. “I was working on something”

Believability: 2/10. The great catch-all. The score doesn’t count because this was a practice round, even though there was a card, a pencil and a small wager. What exactly was being worked on is never specified. Ask, and you’ll get a vague hand gesture near the hip.

1. “The wind changed direction twice on my approach”

Believability: 1/10. Wind is real. Wind changing direction twice in the four seconds a ball is in the air, only on your shots and never on your partner’s, is weather that meteorologists would like to study. Our advice: take one more club and one less story.

The one excuse that’s always true

For the record, every golfer can use one excuse with a clear conscience: “Golf is hard.” Beginners can say it. So can the tour pro who makes a bogey on a hole he birdied yesterday.

Next time the card comes back ugly, pick any of the other nine. Just don’t pick number one. We’ll know.

Got an excuse we’ve missed? Tell us at hello@theheadpro.com. The best ones may make a follow-up.